There are probably a lot of ways you wish your sex life was a bit more cinematic. Who wouldn’t want the perfect score to play in the background while you’re hooking up or to roll over and magically have flawless hair and makeup? But let’s be honest: Sex in the movies is often a far cry from what it’s actually like—and that’s perfectly fine. In fact, some of those unrealistic scenes can perpetuate false (and sometimes even unsafe) ideas about sex. From the enviable to the completely ridiculous, here are all the things about movie sex that just don’t fly in the real world, for better or for worse:
1. No one thinks or talks about condoms before hopping into bed. Forget fumbling with a rubber. In rom-com land, protection is assumed to be magically in place or just plain unnecessary—unless a dramatic unplanned pregnancy plot is in order, of course.
2. You also don’t need to discuss, you know, wanting to have sex. In the movies, one heated look and passionate kiss is all it takes to know that your partner is good to go, no questions asked. Haven’t these people ever heard of consent?
3. Your hair and makeup always look flawless in the morning. Or at least adorably disheveled. Not to mention, morning breath does not exist.
4. Orgasms are not only guaranteed, but super easy. Forget clitoral stimulation or specialized positions. All it takes is a super-hot guy thrusting in missionary to get you screaming…in, like, 10 seconds.
5. And orgasms are ALWAYS simultaneous. Because apparently, coming separately is so basic.
6. When rushing to the bedroom, you MUST bang and crash into every conceivable wall and piece of furniture. Seriously, do these people totally forget the layout of their apartments in the heat of the moment?
7. And sweeping all your worldly possessions off of counters, tables, and desks is romantic and sexy. In reality, the hassle of having to clean up everything later (AND replacing the things you probably broke) makes this so not worth it.
8. There is zero switching-position awkwardness. From missionary to reverse cowgirl in one fluid motion without kicking your guy in the face? No problem.
9. You always wake up with the blankets draped in perfect penis-and-boob covering formation. Uh, more like you wake up with your partner burrito-ed up in the covers and flail around for your bra so you don’t feel exposed.
10. Intercourse is the only possible sexual experience. Period. Ending the night with just a nice blowjob or cunnilingus? Unacceptable. Foreplay is mostly a means to an end in movie land.
11. Taking clothes off is no problem at all. Usually because disrobing involves a lot of passionately ripping clothes off and tossing them over the lamp with irreverent disregard for any damage that might cause. No torn buttons or struggling with bras here.
12. Your body doesn’t make any embarrassing noises, ever. Forget totally natural bodily reactions to having someone else inside of you. Anything other than the dulcet tones of PG-13 dirty talk and plenty of sighing has no place in the bedroom.
13. Your O face is totally gorgeous. Even if you’re out of your mind with pleasure, yep, you’ll still look like a model.
14. You always happen to be wearing cute underwear. It doesn’t matter how incredibly spontaneous the sex is. There is no embarrassing laundry day underwear in sight.
15. And you’re always perfectly groomed. Wouldn’t it be nice to be perpetually well landscaped and fresh?
16. If you’re not screaming, “YES! YES! YES!” you’re not doing it right. If we believed everything in movies, we’d think that the only acceptable way to have an orgasm is to give an Oscar-worthy performance. Otherwise, it doesn’t count.
All gifs courtesy of giphy.com