Last week, singer and professional rebound boy John Mayer announced that he was in recovery for what he described as an ego addiction. Johnny boy claimed that the disease was to blame for his womanizing behavior and, more importantly, that ego addiction is a real thing. Many women who have dated men like John are familiar with the signs of his addiction but had always called ego addicts by another term: “ego maniacs.” There’s nothing fun about dating an ego maniac—just ask Taylor Swift. Here are seven signs he thinks his body is a wonderland.
1. He Looks at Every Situation in Terms of How It Affects Him
You have a bad day at work. He complains that he was hoping you’d be in a fun mood. The restaurant you guys were supposed to go to has a long wait. He is frustrated because he hates being hungry. It’s his world, baby, and you’re just living in it. So stop. Seriously.
2. He Uses the Phrase “I’m Going to Need You To…” All the Time
Whether he’s talking to you, a cab driver, or that waitress he keeps winking at, when he couches requests in terms of what he’s going to need people to do, he’s implying that he’s the boss and the world is his wait staff. Put in your resignation before you have to shoot an apologetic look at one more grocery bagger.
3. You Guys Have Been Dating for Months, and He Never Remembers if You Have Siblings
…Or where you grew up, or what your favorite kind of food is. You, on the other hand, know the hair color of the kid who wronged him in the fifth grade. It’s understandable that he can’t seem to remember a single detail about you. You’re just the only person who even pretends to listen to his navel-gazing nonsense.
4. He’s Constantly Asking if You Want to Touch His Abs
You did at one point, obviously. That’s how you got into this mess in the first place. After spending some time with him and the body he’s so singularly obsessed with, though, you fantasize about dating someone who’s down to share a whole pizza without comment…or at least someone who doesn’t consider “leg day” a reason to flake on a date.
5. There Are Multiple Framed Pictures of Him in His Room
One, maybe two of him and a family member is sweet. Three or more is a shrine that he’s built to himself, especially if he’s got some solo shots in there.
6. He Talks for So Long, You Wonder Sometimes if He’s Forgotten You’re There
In some ways, dating him is easy because you never have to think of witty or interesting things to say. He talks so much and for so long that “hanging out” with him means sitting quietly and adding a few “wow”s and “haha”s to the conversation every once in a while. In fact, he verbally checks in with you so infrequently, you’re not sure if it’s a girlfriend he really wants or a cat.
7. He Has Made-Up a Disease Called Ego Addiction
Seriously. Since when do you get a medical pass for being a jerk?
All GIFs courtesy of giphy.com.
Tess Barker is a Los Angeles-based writer and stand-up comedian. She is a cohost of the Lady to Lady podcast and wrote the book and lyrics for the musical “Time Between Us.”
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