Before I get started here, I should issue the disclaimer that I’m not speaking for every man on the face of the Earth. And the ones I am speaking for? They’ll never admit to many of these things anyway.
1. Get naked. When I’m the only one home, I’m rarely clothed. In fact, I’m naked right now. My pants come off when I walk through the door after work, and if my roommate is out, I might just get naked and sit in my office chair, feet propped up on my bed while I read.
2. Spend a lot of time on the toilet. Because we take our phone or tablet in there (my brother sometimes takes his laptop) and get distracted. An infinite amount of time can pass in the restroom without your even noticing. I personally like to spend this time doing my dating app due diligence, in hopes I’ll meet my future life partner and be able to tell our children that I first laid eyes on mommy one lazy afternoon while I perched on the can.
3. Watch porn. Sometimes, strange porn. You’ll have something in mind when you’re going into it, but sometimes we have a tendency to fall into the adult entertainment rabbit hole and emerge half an hour later vaguely unsettled by the weird things we’ve seen out there.
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4. Talk to our moms. About you! I like to talk with my mom about women because she shoots it straight and tells me when I’m being an asshole, and she questions my stories when I put the girl in the wrong. But she’s also always the first to make me feel better when things take a turn for the absolute worst.
5. Whiff our pits and other parts of our body, including, occasionally, the taint. Don’t act like you have no interest in or awareness of what your crotchal region smells like.
6. Creep on ex-girlfriends. We want to know how they’re doing, if they’re dating someone uglier than we are, and how successful they’ve become. We also desperately hope that they have become less aesthetically appealing in some way.
7. Eat really weird things. It borders on the verge of disgusting. When other people aren’t around, mayonnaise isn’t a condiment. It’s a way of life. I’ve even mixed it in with Chinese food before and found the results to be horrible for my body and digestive system.
8. Have a good cry. For some reason, men have let society lead them to believe that they should keep the crying to a minimum. Which is bullshit, but it is what it is. So if we’re gonna cry, we try to keep it a private affair, usually. Just a few nights ago, I finally watched the Parks and Recreation series finale, which I had been putting off until I had an opportunity for a Mevening (me+evening, natch) because I knew I was going to weep like a baby for the late Harris Wittels and for the end of something I loved so much. And I did.
9. Try out your cosmetic products. We get to wondering why you spend so much on certain things, and we yearn to try it. But we don’t want you to know we’re doing so because, well, you spent a lot of money on it and use it for seemingly important reasons.
10. Sing out loud. To absurd music. Especially in the shower, or while cooking, or engaging in any idle activity. And to music you wouldn’t think we particularly dig. I’ve recently been showering to Carly Rae Jepsen and Vanessa Carlton, and I will actually admit that this “The Songs To Go With The Suds” playlist is improving not only my showering, but my entire morning outlook on life.
11. Miss you. Because we know that we only truly enjoy the alone time because we have a great counterpart to go with it.
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